Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
