Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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