It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
