I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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