Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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