Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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