I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
