I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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