Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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