Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
