my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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