I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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