So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
