Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
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I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
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I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
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