Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
