I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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