So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
