Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
