i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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