Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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