I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
