Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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