Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
