Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
