Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
