Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
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PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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