I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
