IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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