Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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