3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize