The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
