I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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