how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
