Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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