im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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