Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Barsexuality is the new black.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
