I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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