my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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