Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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