He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
