We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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