I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
