at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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