and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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