I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
whose parrot is this?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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