i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
