Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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