I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
