I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Randomize
