wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
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Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
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This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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