got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
