I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
How does one acquire holy water?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
