I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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