Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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