hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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