I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You have to summon your inner elephant
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
