Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
