life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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