he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
