I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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